It's World Cup time. People around the world call it football. In the United States we call it boring.

I'm in the Next Big Comic standup contest tonight at @JokesandNotes, 47th and King Drive, Chicago. 8pm, $10. Come on out!

Chicago's Next Big Comic Contest invited me to rock the mic @JokesandNotes Of course I said hell yes! Thu 8pm https://t.co/25O0AuY0ky

If the Oscars are the gay Super Bowl and the Tonys are the gay Oscars then the Super Bowl is the gay Tonys

@tedjrobinson Ted, you're endlessly classy and professional, a credit to tennis and NBC. Like your humility and love your work.

"My truth is this: I want you to win." —Oprah to Lindsay Lohan "I want you to win." —A less pretentious person to Lindsay Lohan

If Hillary Clinton decides not to run, it's going to be awkward when she breaks it to everyone at Ready For Hillary

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I only watch movies where Ice Cube says "Aw HELL no"

Batman v. Superman: Superman Kills Batman Instantaneously Then Plays 2 Hours of Tetris